Tag Archives: pj jones

March Mischief Kindle Sale and giveaway!

1 Mar

romance novel.webHey, folks. It’s time for a sale! Why? Because we’re coming on my second year anniversary of being a published indie author. To celebrate, I’m giving away all of my Amazon Kindle books for .99.  Some are even FREE!

If you walk around with a large stick shoved up your ass or are easily offended, this sale might not be for you. If you are looking for some raunchy, rip snortin’ fun, then download a PJ Jones’ book today. You (probably) won’t regret it!

And LOOKIE! NAUGHTY LITTLE SCHNITZEL is back by (sort of) popular demand.  It’s only got seven bad reviews. I know there have to be more easily offended readers readers out there, right? 

schnitzel.webVisit my Amazon author page for more great deals.

Books and short stories by PJ Jones:

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 BUT WAIT, THAT’S NOT ALL! DURING THE MONTH OF MARCH, I’LL BE GIVING AWAY SIGNED COPIES OF EITHER DRIVING ME NUTS! OR ATTACK OF THE FAIRYTALE ZOMBIES! TO THREE LUCKY READERS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ANSWER MY QUESTION AND LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW TO ENTER FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN. QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR LAUGHS?

Good luck, and thanks for stopping by.

** Signed books are available for US residents. International residents are eligible for free book downloads.

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Cheap Kindle books at the Indie Book Festival!

29 Dec

Now’s your chance to download cheap books to your Christmas Kindles! Stop by for over 40 books under 1.00 at the Indie Book Festival, PLUS enter for your chance to win a $100 Amazon gift card! Don’t forget to stop by and check out my new release, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND VAMPIRES!  14375_283100201793550_1619820081_n

The Apocalypse Collection and Fishing with Sasquatch is here!!!

6 Dec

Yes, I have to look up ‘apocalypse’ every time I spell it, but none of that matters, because I’ve got exciting news! This week I’ve got not one, but two, book releases! Fishing With Sasquatch will be FREE on Kindle December 7th and 8th, so be sure to get your copy!

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Cover designed by Tara West at http://www.tarawest.com .

The Apocalypse Collection is a collection of short stories from my Eclective peeps for just .99. Grab your copy HERE before it’s no longer on sale, or before the world ends, whichever comes first.

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and the Eclective feels fine.

The Shifting Sands by Tara West: When a jealous goddess threatens to destroy all of humanity, a young woman and her family must overcome impossible odds to survive.

Light by Emma Jameson: In the zombie apocalypse, the hope for humanity’s survival is pinned on Daniel. Unfortunately, Daniel is an android. And humanity may be past all hope…

Alien Butt Plugs by PJ Jones: The aliens are coming! And Jeb’s first line of defense may be worse than the anal probe he fears.

Seeds by M. Edward McNally: For Meats and his fellow Guns, life was simple. Keep your respirator clear, your weapon ready, and an eye on your neighbors. Until one day Meats found some seeds, and everything got complicated.

Cleavers by Heather Marie Adkins: Creatures such as the Cleavers should never exist. But in Tora’s world, they’re real, and death is more likely than survival.

The Last Christmas by Alan Nayes: On the verge of the Apocalypse, a young couple wish to spend one last Christmas together.

Combustion by RG Porter: Kate wakes to find her world scorched and survivors in short supply. She needs to unravel the cause before time runs out.

Fishing With Sasquatch is also a short story collection, but all the stories are written by yours truly. Most are crude and rude, but one is just plain weird. You can get your copy HERE!

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Cover designed by Tara West at http://www.tarawest.com .

Warning: PJ Jones doesn’t just take fiction and make it funny. First she bludgeons it, butchers it, pulverizes it, and then regurgitates the indigestible parts onto the page. So if you are bold enough to click on that purchase button, just be warned; if your laugh-o-meter is set to prude, not crude, and you have high literary standards, or ANY standards at all, you will be sadly disappointed, plus you may vomit a little in your mouth.

Fishing with Sasquatch: Life is good for Reb the Redneck. After being acquitted for murder, he’s ready to grab life by the horns … until a lonely lady sasquatch grabs him by something else!

Included in this parody collection are seven more weird, short stories: Zombie Santa VS. Hannibal Lecter, Kate Gosselin VS. Sasquatch, The Walking Tree, Sasquatch Goes Vegan, Kim Khardashian VS. Cupid, Love, Death and erectile Dysfunction, and Love in a Bottle.

***Nearly Legitimate Reviews for Fishing With Sasquatch***

From PJ Jones’ imaginary friend: Cue the banjo music! It’s another rude, crude, side-splitting parody from PJ Jones.

From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

* * *

And as a special holiday bonus for my readers, all of my books will be .99 all December long! Check out my author page, HERE for a complete selection. Happy reading and good luck with the apocalypse!

Happy Halloween and new horror release by G.R. Yeates

31 Oct

We’re celebrating Halloween today with a few awesome horror reads!

Congrats to GR Yeates for the release of This Darkness Mine, a bizarro horror fiction novel, priced right at just $2.99.

The City is a house of flies, slowly rotting away. Soho Ghetto is a place of riots, sex, abuse and disease but it is no worse than the corporate meat-markets that staff their offices with the corpses of recently-deceased employees. Have you ever been to The Shop? Would you know a Bottom-Feeder if you saw one? Do you know what it feels like to be eaten alive by a Redundancy Package? Would you like to meet a Fallen Angel? All of these things and more are here. This is the bestiary of the 21st Century. This darkness mine.
And don’t forget The Vampire Handbook, with bonus zombie and were-thing handbooks, is still free at major ebook retailers, including Amazon !  If you are thinking of making the transition to the bloodsucking lifestyle, don’t be caught UNdead without your copy. Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more…

It’s currently #1 in parodies on Kindle!

Happy Halloween my ghoulish friends. Remember not to fill up on too much candy and brains, and never, ever drain victims who’ve just consumed copious amounts of Mexican or Thai food. Immortal indigestion can be horrific. ~ PJ

Pride and Prejudice and Vampires is FREE today and tomorrow!

19 Oct
Click here to download my tasteless, tacky and crude parody for FREE on Kindle today and tomorrow.
PJ Jones doesn’t just take fiction and make it funny. First she bludgeons it, butchers it, pulverizes it, and then regurgitates the indigestible parts onto the page. So if you are bold enough to click on that purchase button, just be warned; if your laugh-o-meter is set to prude, not crude, and you have high literary standards, or ANY standards at all, you will be sadly disappointed, plus you may vomit a little in your mouth.

If you are ready to take a jaunt through low-brow inane prose, join Elizabeth Bennet and her vampire family as they disgrace a once-esteemed novel while feasting on toad-faced suitors, servants and orphans. Mmmmm.

Thank goodness for Mr. Darcy, who tries to steer Elizabeth back on script, and preserve whatever dignity is left of Jane Austen’s good name, while at the same time, salivating over Elizabeth Bennet’s huge breasts.

Included in this shameless satire is more rip-snortin’ good fun, a collection of eight short paranormal parodies: The Guide to Immortal Sex; The PMS Vampire, Werewolf and Zombie Handbook; Melvin the Vacuum Salesman Zombie; and a few other nameless, tasteless short stories.

What are you waiting for? Either buy the book or get out now before you suffer permanent brain damage.

*** Praise for Pride and Prejudice and Vampires ***

From Jane Austen: This book motivated me to return from beyond the veil of mortality so that I might smack PJ Jones upside the head.

From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

Free spooky download today and tomorrow!

5 Oct

Eight spooky stories by eight eclectic authors all FREE today and tomorrow on Kindle. What are you waiting for? Get your spook on!  Click HERE to download.

Click to download.

Empty Vessel by M. Edward McNally: Captain Wil has command of his own ship, the respect of his crew, and his wife is expecting their first child. But at sea, the winds always become calm just before the storm breaks.

The Smell of Death by Tara West: Maggie’s unusual powers bring new threats to her already troubled childhood.

Safe by Emma Jameson: In Victorian London, a grave robber makes a nice living off the dead, until he opens the wrong crypt.

Soulfully Sweet by Shéa MacLeod: As if helping the living isn’t enough of a pain in her divine hindquarters, Branwen (former goddess of love and beauty) is stuck helping the dead on All Hallow’s Eve.

May I Go Play? by Heather Marie Adkins: Micah inherits a southern mansion where ancestors long dead relive their violent deaths. And now, they want company…

Blehdward, the Vampire who Couldn’t Sparkle by Pj Jones: Blehdward desperately wants to fit in with the cool vamps. If only he could learn how to sparkle.

Franscesca by Alan Nayes: Break a promise to a feiticeira and you will live to regret it.

Soul Eaters by R.G. Porter: Kaitlyn never believed in the existence of other worlds. Now she’s in the middle of one where humans aren’t the hunters but the hunted.

The Eclective is a group of authors dedicated to the premise that The Story is The Thing, and classifications of genre are mostly a matter for bookshelves. While the following stories share a “Haunting” theme, they might variously be filed as Horror, Paranormal, Fantasy, YA, etc., or anything else. Our idea is that the story itself is more important than whatever label somebody feels like giving it, and by bringing our work together in collections like this one, we hope readers may find a story they might like. Even if it is not in “their” genre.

Introducing the new zombie killing machine!

29 Sep

So hubs thinks that in bringing a gun home (which costs more than my first car, AND my second car) that I will not be angry if he also includes zombie killing bullets. I have to admit, the bullets with little green tips are pretty kick-ass, BUT it’s an awfully pricey gun and he ain’t no Rambo! Tomorrow we are going to go shoot up some zombie targets. Okay, the zombie target practice sounds kick-ass as well, but I am in NO WAY endorsing spending more on a gun than you would on a car. Zombie target pics to follow. Melvin the Dry Cleaning Zombie had better not try to come around MY house.
Speaking of Melvin the Zombie, he also makes a guest appearance in my newest book, Pride and Prejudice and Vampires releasing in October. He’s not actually in THAT story, but included in a bonus selection of short stories in the back. Can’t you just wait?

Pride and Prejudice and Vampires Cover Reveal!!!

27 Sep

What do you think of my new cover? Pretty awesome, right? Poor Jane Austen is rolling over in her grave right now. Slow down, Jane!!! My latest parody will be arriving on your Kindles in October, but the early reviews are already pouring in.  Here’s what readers are saying about Pride, Prejudice and Vampires!

From Jane Austen: This book motivated me to return from beyond the veil of mortality so that I might smack Pj Jones upside the head.

 

From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.

 

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.

 

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.

 

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

Below is an unedited scene from Pride, Prejudice and Vampires:

“Brother.” Caroline Bingley snapped her fan shut and wacked Mr. Bingley over the head. “I told you country society was unrefined. We need to move back to London.”

“I can’t sell my house. I already signed the papers. Besides, I locked in my loan at three percent interest. I’m never going to get another deal like that.”

 

The Haunted Collection has arrived!

26 Sep
Image

Click to purchase.

Get your copy of The Haunted Collection now on Kindle for just .99!

Empty Vessel by M. Edward McNally: Captain Wil has command of his own ship, the respect of his crew, and his wife is expecting their first child. But at sea, the winds always become calm just before the storm breaks.

The Smell of Death by Tara West: Maggie’s unusual powers bring new threats to her already troubled childhood.

Safe by Emma Jameson: In Victorian London, a grave robber makes a nice living off the dead, until he opens the wrong crypt.

Soulfully Sweet by Shéa MacLeod: As if helping the living isn’t enough of a pain in her divine hindquarters, Branwen (former goddess of love and beauty) is stuck helping the dead on All Hallow’s Eve.

May I Go Play? by Heather Marie Adkins: Micah inherits a southern mansion where ancestors long dead relive their violent deaths. And now, they want company…

Blehdward, the Vampire who Couldn’t Sparkle by Pj Jones: Blehdward desperately wants to fit in with the cool vamps. If only he could learn how to sparkle.

Franscesca by Alan Nayes: Break a promise to a feiticeira and you will live to regret it.

Soul Eaters by R.G. Porter: Kaitlyn never believed in the existence of other worlds. Now she’s in the middle of one where humans aren’t the hunters but the hunted.

The Eclective is a group of authors dedicated to the premise that The Story is The Thing, and classifications of genre are mostly a matter for bookshelves. While the following stories share a “Haunting” theme, they might variously be filed as Horror, Paranormal, Fantasy, YA, etc., or anything else. Our idea is that the story itself is more important than whatever label somebody feels like giving it, and by bringing our work together in collections like this one, we hope readers may find a story they might like. Even if it is not in “their” genre.

Books that Don’t Suck!

19 Jul

Hi, I’ve been busy writing, trying to finish up my latest parody. Please join me at The Eclective for a Books that Don’t Suck post where I review, Milligan and the Samurai Rebels by Simon Alexander Collier, a must read book for enyone who wants a good laugh.

* * *

In the meantime, here’s another scene from Pride, Prejudice and Sparkly Vampires.  

Lydia and her sister Elizabeth stood on the street corner as they hungrily eyed the redcoats who were swarming their village like flies to a corpse. After last night’s fiasco, Lydia was no longer allowed to patrol the town without at least one of her sisters, which totally sucked because neither Jane nor Elizabeth were as slutty as she. Lydia hoped Elizabeth didn’t plan on ruining all of her fun today.

Though Lydia’s stomach was full off the blood of two sick elderly people and a stable boy, her desire was still not sated. She pulled down her tight bodice to expose generous amounts of cleavage, hoping her brass invitation would draw in soldiers. It wasn’t long before Lydia’s plaything, Denny, happened by, along with another fine looking officer.

“Denny,” Lydia squealed, “over here.”

When Denny spotted Lydia and Elizabeth, all the color drained from his face and he looked as if he’d turn and run.

Lydia crossed her arms over her chest and bore down upon him with her, red, demonic gaze. Denny’s shoulders fell and he sulked across the cobblestone road toward the sisters. Much to Lydia’s satisfaction, his sexy friend followed alongside him.

“Oh, hello, Miss Lydia,” Denny said through a shaky voice as he dropped his gaze to Lydia’s feet.

Lydia pointed to the ground and screamed. “On all fours when you address me!”

“Y-yes, Miss Lydia.” Denny immediately fell to the ground.

Lydia leaned over and nudged Elizabeth. “Told you I’ve got him wrapped around my finger.” She kicked Denny once in the chin for good measure. “Who’s your friend?”

“M-miss Lydia and Miss Elizabeth,” Denny cried as he spit out a wad of blood and tooth, “I’d like to introduce you to my friend, George Wickham.”

George Wickham was a fine specimen to behold—hair as black as a raven’s wing, eyes the color of midnight, high chiseled cheekbones and full lips set above a square jawline. But what was most striking about George Wickham was the prodigious bulge beneath the front of his form-fitting breeches, leaving Lydia to wonder if he’d just taken a huge backwards shit, or if he truly was hung like a horse.

He bowed ever so slightly and planted a delicate kiss on each of their hands. “A pleasure to meet you both.” When he righted his posture, Lydia could not mistake the wicked gleam in his eyes.

“Aren’t you a sexy piece of man meat?” she cooed.

“Look, Lydia,” Elizabeth growled into Lydia’s ear, “there’s Mr. Bingley and his douchewad friend.”

Lydia snarled at the two men on horseback riding through the street. They stopped only to tip their hats at Lydia and her sister. But they completely ignored Lydia’s other companions.

“Oh, how rude!” Lydia hissed. She was so angry, she kicked Denny between the legs. He fell to his side and clutched his groin like a dirty dog.

Elizabeth gaped at George Wickham. “Did that dicknozzle just give you the cold shoulder?”

George heaved a resonant sigh as he turned baleful eyes upon Elizabeth and Lydia. “So you noticed. Yes, Mr. Darcy’s animosity for me is quite tragic, really. He’s the reason I was forced to join the regiment.”

“Look.” Lydia held out a silencing palm. “I’m going to be blunt here and tell you that I’m really not interested in your pathetic backstory.”

“Oh, pray tell me what interests you?” George Wickham folded his arms across his massive chest and then he did something remarkable. He licked his eyebrows.

Lydia gaped at George Wickham for a long moment before turning to her sister. “Did you just see that?” She pointed at Wickham’s mouth. “That. That interests me.”

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