Parodies

ROMANCE NOVEL

Smella Rosepetal must find a millionaire husband to finance her baby’s heart transplant. She flies home to her deputy father’s ranch in Pitchforks, Texas, where she falls in love with Deadward Forest, a wealthy environmentalist vampire.

When a deranged murderer is on the loose in Pitchforks, killing romance heroines, Deadward assumes Smella would be safer without him. Smella turns to her childhood friend, Snake Long, for comfort. But Snake doesn’t have the money to save her baby, so Smella places herself in peril in a desperate hunt for a rich husband.

Time is running out for Smella’s baby, and she must escape from the Australian Outback and face down Flabio, an overweight and disgruntled, aspiring cover model, plus enraged vampire wives and their homosexual, vampire, cowboy husbands, a jealous were-gerbil, James Bond, a drunk rodeo clown and Smella’s strange boyfriend who wants to drain her blood, yet is repulsed by her smell.

“I found this story to be hysterical from cover to cover.” Diana from Night Owl Romance, Night Owl Reviews Top Pick

“This parody will have you laughing out loud.” Melissa from Were Vamps Romance

“Oh PJ Jones, you had me at ‘skanky crotch’.” Penni from Favorite Thing Ever

“By the time I finished reading my sides were aching with laughter.” Orchid from Long and Short of it Reviews

“If you are a fan of good satire, this is definitely a book for you.” Wendy from You Gotta Read Reviews

THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK

So, after a painstakingly long soul-searching (at least five minutes) and after grappling with the possible fate of your immortal soul (who cares if you’re not going to die, anyway), you’ve decided to become a vampire.

Congratulations!

But before beginning that dark and shadowed journey into a life of eternal damnation, every vampire is required to read THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, a short step-by-step guide to becoming a vampire and then adjusting to the bloodsucking lifestyle.

Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more…

In addition to THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK, you will also get THE WERE/SHAPE-SHIFTER HANDBOOK and THE ZOMBIE HANDBOOK.

MELVIN THE DRY CLEANING ZOMBIE
Ever since Melvin could remember, he’s had a crush on dry cleaning customer, Simone. Too bad he’s a zombie and can’t remember much. If only Simone would be his girl, or at the very least, let Melvin eat the gooey matter inside her cranium. Simone is fed up with her egotistical boyfriend. If only she could find a nice guy who doesn’t want to feast on her brains.
VAMPIRE SHOE WAREHOUSE
Bethany’s tired of her dead-end job as a manager at a shoe store, but she can’t quit or else her evil boss will expose her secret. If other vampires found out about her abnormality, it could mean certain death. Henry is a failure who dropped out of wizarding school, but that doesn’t stop him from pining over Bethany. Can the world’s worst wizard use his magic to save the girl of his dreams? Will Henry’s love for Bethany be enough to keep her from feasting on his jugular?
“…filthy, trashy, and downright fun writing style that makes the stories in this book a true delight to read.” Here Be Zombies
“…it will grab you and keep you in stitches.” Book Wenches
As the official Royal Dragon Slayer of Fairytale Kingdom, Barth descends from a long line of monster-killing knights. There’s only one problem: Drag, the kingdom’s resident cross-dressing dragon, is also Barth’s best friend.
When the King orders Barth to kill Drag, Barth knows they have to flee the kingdom or else another knight will do the job. But after a beautiful witch begs Barth to stay and help rid the kingdom of a dreadful zombie curse, Barth discovers he may have found his true calling. Is he knight enough to stop the zombie outbreak, save his best friend and get the girl?

PJ Jones doesn’t just take fiction and make it funny. First she bludgeons it, butchers it, pulverizes it, and then regurgitates the indigestible parts onto the page.  So if you are bold enough to click on that purchase button, just be warned; if your laugh-o-meter is set to prude, not crude, and you have high literary standards, or ANY standards at all, you will be sadly disappointed, plus you may vomit a little in your mouth.

If you are ready to take a jaunt through low-brow inane prose, join Elizabeth Bennet and her vampire family as they disgrace a once-esteemed novel while feasting on toad-faced suitors, servants and orphans.  Mmmmm.

Thank goodness for Mr. Darcy, who tries to steer Elizabeth back on script, and preserve whatever dignity is left of Jane Austen’s good name, while at the same time, salivating over Elizabeth Bennet’s huge breasts.

Included in this shameless satire is more rip-snortin’ good fun, a collection of short paranormal parodies: The Guide to Immortal Sex; The PMS Vampire, Werewolf and Zombie Handbook; Melvin the Vacuum Salesman Zombie; and a few other nameless, tasteless short stories.

What are you waiting for? Either buy the book or get out now before you suffer permanent brain damage.

*** PRAISE FOR PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND VAMPIRES***

  • From Jane Austen: This book motivated me to return from beyond the veil of mortality so that I might smack PJ Jones upside the head.
  •  From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.
  •  From Melvin the Zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.
  •  From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.
  •  From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

EXPOSED! HILLARY CLINTON’S SECRET EMAILS!

Hillaryssecretemails.webExposed! Hillary Clinton’s Secret Emails digs deep into her private correspondence from the time she and her husband left the White House to when someone finally had enough balls to complain she was jeopardizing national security. PJ reassures her readers these emails are the real deal. She got them from the Chinese guy who delivers her take-out, and everyone knows the Chinese are great at three things: sweet and sour pork, math, and hacking computers.Does Hillary get slammed in this parody? Absolutely. But no liberal or conservative is safe. PJ Jones pokes fun of people from both ends of the political spectrum, bringing everyone together for a rip-snorting laugh (although she’ll settle for a few smiles and maybe some accidental flatulence).

***Warning***
This book is not intended for…
Stupid people. Not pointing any fingers (Jonathan Gruber).
People with weak hearts, stomachs, or bladders.
People with politically correct yardsticks wedged up their asses.
This book is intended for…
People who live in Colorado and like brownies.
People with a crude and outrageous sense of humor.
People who think apathetic and corrupt politicians are a joke.

 

FISHING WITH SASQUATCH

Fishing_webLife is good for Reb the Redneck. After being acquitted for murder, he’s ready to grab life by the horns … until a lonely lady sasquatch grabs him by something else!

Included in this parody collection are six more weird, short stories: Zombie Santa VS. Hannibal Lecter, Kate Gosselin VS. Sasquatch, Sasquatch Goes Vegan, Kim Khardashian VS. Cupid, Love, Death and erectile Dysfunction, and Love in a Bottle.

***Nearly Legitimate Reviews for Fishing With Sasquatch***

From PJ Jones’ imaginary friend: Cue the banjo music! It’s another rude, crude, side-splitting parody from PJ Jones.

From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

 

HOT FOR THE DINOSAUR!

dino.smallHey, you. Purveyor or prehistoric peen and lover of dino/human beasty bop. If you are looking for some grotesque, cheap thrills, I’m sorry (not really) but this book may not be for you. If you are among the millions of relatively sane readers who said “WTF?” when you came across your first dinosmut, then sit back and enjoy a more realistic parody of all things dino-peen. Oh, and I threw in a Sasquatch parody just for fun. For those of you unaccustomed to PJ Jones, be warned, my writing is crude, rude, and you may bleed out your eyeballs.

What readers are saying about Hot for the Dinosaur…
“WTF did I just read?”
“PJ Jones, I’m sending you the bill for my therapy.”
“Hang on while I go vomit.”

 

 

 

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