Tag Archives: lord of the rings

March Mischief Kindle Sale and giveaway!

1 Mar

romance novel.webHey, folks. It’s time for a sale! Why? Because we’re coming on my second year anniversary of being a published indie author. To celebrate, I’m giving away all of my Amazon Kindle books for .99.  Some are even FREE!

If you walk around with a large stick shoved up your ass or are easily offended, this sale might not be for you. If you are looking for some raunchy, rip snortin’ fun, then download a PJ Jones’ book today. You (probably) won’t regret it!

And LOOKIE! NAUGHTY LITTLE SCHNITZEL is back by (sort of) popular demand.  It’s only got seven bad reviews. I know there have to be more easily offended readers readers out there, right? 

schnitzel.webVisit my Amazon author page for more great deals.

Books and short stories by PJ Jones:

DrivingMeNuts.facebook.web

 BUT WAIT, THAT’S NOT ALL! DURING THE MONTH OF MARCH, I’LL BE GIVING AWAY SIGNED COPIES OF EITHER DRIVING ME NUTS! OR ATTACK OF THE FAIRYTALE ZOMBIES! TO THREE LUCKY READERS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ANSWER MY QUESTION AND LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW TO ENTER FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN. QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU DO FOR LAUGHS?

Good luck, and thanks for stopping by.

** Signed books are available for US residents. International residents are eligible for free book downloads.

attack.web

Zombie Fiends and Finds

13 Jun

Sorry, readers, I’ve been busy writing, writing and writing some more. Really, there is no excuse for me to be so absent from my blog, but there you go. I’m a baaaddd blogger. In the meantime, I recently joined a site called Zombie Fiend. Have y’all heard of it? It’s actually set up pretty cool, like the old My Space and WordPress combined. They even have a photo slideshow feature. Here’s me, so you can join and be my friend. PLEASE be my friend. I only have about four right now. http://www.zombiefiend.com/profile/PJJones?v=957115578&refresh=1

I even created this cool background image for my site. What do you think? ImageIn the meantime, I’ve got a new cover for Attack of the Fairytale Zombies. I was told my little piggie cover looked too much like the Angry Birds piggies and it also looked juvenile. Believe me, this book is NOT for kids. To emphasize my point, here’s a scene from chapter ten.

“Wizard, what happened?”

Barth carefully climbed off Drag’s back and in through the tower window. Carefully, because he didn’t think he could survive the 200 foot drop. And if he suffered the misfortune of surviving the drop, he’d be eaten alive by zombies.

A whole horde of them was moaning for brains below and pounding on the tower walls. Oversized rabid werewolves, sparkling vampires, crazed pixies and even giant trolls were among the brain-thirsty ghouls. Judging by the pile of rubble that was once the king’s twenty-foot electrified security fence, Barth knew it would only be a matter of time before they brought down the tower as well. Image

“The entire town has been zombiefied,” the wizard cried out while pacing the floor of his darkened chamber, illuminated only by jars of scented candles. “They’ve run out of brains and have stormed the castle.”

The king, who sat huddled in a corner with his few surviving guards, stood on trembling legs. He grinned sheepishly. “I tried to feed them cake but it didn’t work.”

“My tower is the only part of the castle they haven’t been able to penetrate,” the wizard said. “I put an anti-zombie force-field around it which should hold them off for at least a few hours.”

“A force-field?” Barth scratched his head. “That’s a little sci-fi for a fairytale. Are you sure it will work?”

As if on cue, a crazed little zombie pixie flew around Drag’s enormous flapping wings and tried to burst through the tower window. She was zapped on the spot. Her steaming little ashes floated down toward the ground.

The wizard arched a brow while folding his arms across his chest. “You were saying?”

Barth swallowed hard as he leaned his head out the window and watched the pixie’s ashes break apart in the breeze. He quickly pulled back. “So this force-field only works on zombies, right?”

The wizard nodded. “Any zombie who tries to enter the tower will be fried like a mosquito in a bug zapper. But the force-field’s battery level has already dropped to fifty-percent and the zombies knocked out the power, so I can’t recharge it.”

Barth’s jaw fell open as he finally took in his surroundings. He’d initially thought the wizard was having a candle party, but now he realized the wizard’s chamber was so dark because he had no electric lighting. No wonder there were no cookies and punch.

“That sucks,” he said, not just because the electricity was out, but because he’d really been hoping for some refreshments.

The wizard heaved a sigh before turning mournful eyes on Barth. “Yes, especially since our only hope now, Barth,” the wizard groaned, “rests with you and your dragon. Please tell me you were able to recover the potion.”

Barth grimaced. “Almost, and then the penis prince stole your broom and took off with the potion.”

The king gasped. “My son stole the potion? That kid’s grounded for a week.”

“Oh, wow, King,” Drag called dryly through the window. “Such a harsh punishment for dooming an entire kingdom to a flesh-eating zombie curse.”

“You’re right.” The king nodded, looking totally unfazed by Drag’s caustic tone. “He’ll be grounded for a weekend with no television. That ought to teach him.”

Barth grabbed the wizard’s arm. “I need to go after the prince. Wizard, can you use your giant pussy to find out where he went?”

The wizard leveled Barth with a glare. “My giant eye was finally working and then the zombies knocked out my satellite internet.”

Barth snickered. “That’s what you get for not switching to DSL.”

“Barth,” the wizard pleaded, “you have to find the prince and get that potion, either that or slay everyone in fairytale kingdom who have now turned into zombies.”

The king raised a hand. “I vote he slays the zombies.”

“No.” Barth shook his head. “Heather would have wanted me to go after the potion and save the kingdom.” Barth headed out the window before stopping and abruptly turning around. He pulled rat Heather out of his pants pocket and placed her in the wizard’s hand. “Oh, I almost forgot, I need you to cure Heather. Douchebagga turned her into a rat.”

The wizard scowled down at the rat. “So I see.”

Barth struck a prayer pose. “Can you help her wizard?” he begged. “It would really mean a lot to me.”

The wizard gave a half-hearted shrug. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Barth beamed. “Thank you.” He turned back toward the window and snaked one leg through the opening. “Don’t worry, King Dump and Wizard Dilligaf, I will free the kingdom from this zombie curse. You can depend on me.”

The king slapped his forehead. “We’re all doomed.”

Well, that SUCKS!

12 May

Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! was supposed to be FREE today but KDP Select is having technical difficulties and it’s only FREE in the UK. Sorry, folks. I sure hope Amazon gives me an extra free day because of it. I’ll update this post if it goes free in the US today. Fingers crossed. This book could really used more reviews and downloads. It’s really funny. I promise.

From the author of MELVIN THE DRY CLEANING ZOMBIE, THE VAMPIRE HANDBOOK and ROMANCE NOVEL comes another tasteless, tacky and laugh-out-loud parody.
As the official Royal Dragon Slayer of Fairytale Kingdom, Barth descends from a long line of monster-killing knights. There’s only one problem: Drag, the kingdom’s resident cross-dressing dragon, is also Barth’s best friend.
When the King orders Barth to kill Drag, Barth knows they have to flee the kingdom or else another knight will do the job. But after a beautiful witch begs Barth to stay and help rid the kingdom of a dreadful zombie curse, Barth discovers he may have found his true calling. Is he knight enough to stop the zombie outbreak, save his best friend and get the girl?