Tag Archives: vampire parody

Happy Halloween and new horror release by G.R. Yeates

31 Oct

We’re celebrating Halloween today with a few awesome horror reads!

Congrats to GR Yeates for the release of This Darkness Mine, a bizarro horror fiction novel, priced right at just $2.99.

The City is a house of flies, slowly rotting away. Soho Ghetto is a place of riots, sex, abuse and disease but it is no worse than the corporate meat-markets that staff their offices with the corpses of recently-deceased employees. Have you ever been to The Shop? Would you know a Bottom-Feeder if you saw one? Do you know what it feels like to be eaten alive by a Redundancy Package? Would you like to meet a Fallen Angel? All of these things and more are here. This is the bestiary of the 21st Century. This darkness mine.
And don’t forget The Vampire Handbook, with bonus zombie and were-thing handbooks, is still free at major ebook retailers, including Amazon !  If you are thinking of making the transition to the bloodsucking lifestyle, don’t be caught UNdead without your copy. Some of the helpful tips in this handbook include: Rules for Living an Environmentally Friendly and Urbane, Undead Lifestyle, Dietary Restrictions for Vampires, Engaging in Battles with Other Immortals, Rules for Fitting into Society and not Scaring off Potential Meals and much more…

It’s currently #1 in parodies on Kindle!

Happy Halloween my ghoulish friends. Remember not to fill up on too much candy and brains, and never, ever drain victims who’ve just consumed copious amounts of Mexican or Thai food. Immortal indigestion can be horrific. ~ PJ

Pride and Prejudice and Vampires is FREE today and tomorrow!

19 Oct
Click here to download my tasteless, tacky and crude parody for FREE on Kindle today and tomorrow.
PJ Jones doesn’t just take fiction and make it funny. First she bludgeons it, butchers it, pulverizes it, and then regurgitates the indigestible parts onto the page. So if you are bold enough to click on that purchase button, just be warned; if your laugh-o-meter is set to prude, not crude, and you have high literary standards, or ANY standards at all, you will be sadly disappointed, plus you may vomit a little in your mouth.

If you are ready to take a jaunt through low-brow inane prose, join Elizabeth Bennet and her vampire family as they disgrace a once-esteemed novel while feasting on toad-faced suitors, servants and orphans. Mmmmm.

Thank goodness for Mr. Darcy, who tries to steer Elizabeth back on script, and preserve whatever dignity is left of Jane Austen’s good name, while at the same time, salivating over Elizabeth Bennet’s huge breasts.

Included in this shameless satire is more rip-snortin’ good fun, a collection of eight short paranormal parodies: The Guide to Immortal Sex; The PMS Vampire, Werewolf and Zombie Handbook; Melvin the Vacuum Salesman Zombie; and a few other nameless, tasteless short stories.

What are you waiting for? Either buy the book or get out now before you suffer permanent brain damage.

*** Praise for Pride and Prejudice and Vampires ***

From Jane Austen: This book motivated me to return from beyond the veil of mortality so that I might smack PJ Jones upside the head.

From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

Pride and Prejudice and Vampires Cover Reveal!!!

27 Sep

What do you think of my new cover? Pretty awesome, right? Poor Jane Austen is rolling over in her grave right now. Slow down, Jane!!! My latest parody will be arriving on your Kindles in October, but the early reviews are already pouring in.  Here’s what readers are saying about Pride, Prejudice and Vampires!

From Jane Austen: This book motivated me to return from beyond the veil of mortality so that I might smack Pj Jones upside the head.

 

From PJ Jones’ neighbor’s dead cat: I can’t believe I wasted one of my nine lives reading this book.

 

From Melvin the zombie: Brains. Books. Brains.

 

From the flasher in the Safeway parking lot: Come a little closer. I’ve got something else for you to read.

 

From the sanitation truck driver in PJ’s neighborhood: I knew there was a strange smell coming from PJ’s house.

Below is an unedited scene from Pride, Prejudice and Vampires:

“Brother.” Caroline Bingley snapped her fan shut and wacked Mr. Bingley over the head. “I told you country society was unrefined. We need to move back to London.”

“I can’t sell my house. I already signed the papers. Besides, I locked in my loan at three percent interest. I’m never going to get another deal like that.”

 

Books that Don’t Suck!

19 Jul

Hi, I’ve been busy writing, trying to finish up my latest parody. Please join me at The Eclective for a Books that Don’t Suck post where I review, Milligan and the Samurai Rebels by Simon Alexander Collier, a must read book for enyone who wants a good laugh.

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In the meantime, here’s another scene from Pride, Prejudice and Sparkly Vampires.  

Lydia and her sister Elizabeth stood on the street corner as they hungrily eyed the redcoats who were swarming their village like flies to a corpse. After last night’s fiasco, Lydia was no longer allowed to patrol the town without at least one of her sisters, which totally sucked because neither Jane nor Elizabeth were as slutty as she. Lydia hoped Elizabeth didn’t plan on ruining all of her fun today.

Though Lydia’s stomach was full off the blood of two sick elderly people and a stable boy, her desire was still not sated. She pulled down her tight bodice to expose generous amounts of cleavage, hoping her brass invitation would draw in soldiers. It wasn’t long before Lydia’s plaything, Denny, happened by, along with another fine looking officer.

“Denny,” Lydia squealed, “over here.”

When Denny spotted Lydia and Elizabeth, all the color drained from his face and he looked as if he’d turn and run.

Lydia crossed her arms over her chest and bore down upon him with her, red, demonic gaze. Denny’s shoulders fell and he sulked across the cobblestone road toward the sisters. Much to Lydia’s satisfaction, his sexy friend followed alongside him.

“Oh, hello, Miss Lydia,” Denny said through a shaky voice as he dropped his gaze to Lydia’s feet.

Lydia pointed to the ground and screamed. “On all fours when you address me!”

“Y-yes, Miss Lydia.” Denny immediately fell to the ground.

Lydia leaned over and nudged Elizabeth. “Told you I’ve got him wrapped around my finger.” She kicked Denny once in the chin for good measure. “Who’s your friend?”

“M-miss Lydia and Miss Elizabeth,” Denny cried as he spit out a wad of blood and tooth, “I’d like to introduce you to my friend, George Wickham.”

George Wickham was a fine specimen to behold—hair as black as a raven’s wing, eyes the color of midnight, high chiseled cheekbones and full lips set above a square jawline. But what was most striking about George Wickham was the prodigious bulge beneath the front of his form-fitting breeches, leaving Lydia to wonder if he’d just taken a huge backwards shit, or if he truly was hung like a horse.

He bowed ever so slightly and planted a delicate kiss on each of their hands. “A pleasure to meet you both.” When he righted his posture, Lydia could not mistake the wicked gleam in his eyes.

“Aren’t you a sexy piece of man meat?” she cooed.

“Look, Lydia,” Elizabeth growled into Lydia’s ear, “there’s Mr. Bingley and his douchewad friend.”

Lydia snarled at the two men on horseback riding through the street. They stopped only to tip their hats at Lydia and her sister. But they completely ignored Lydia’s other companions.

“Oh, how rude!” Lydia hissed. She was so angry, she kicked Denny between the legs. He fell to his side and clutched his groin like a dirty dog.

Elizabeth gaped at George Wickham. “Did that dicknozzle just give you the cold shoulder?”

George heaved a resonant sigh as he turned baleful eyes upon Elizabeth and Lydia. “So you noticed. Yes, Mr. Darcy’s animosity for me is quite tragic, really. He’s the reason I was forced to join the regiment.”

“Look.” Lydia held out a silencing palm. “I’m going to be blunt here and tell you that I’m really not interested in your pathetic backstory.”

“Oh, pray tell me what interests you?” George Wickham folded his arms across his massive chest and then he did something remarkable. He licked his eyebrows.

Lydia gaped at George Wickham for a long moment before turning to her sister. “Did you just see that?” She pointed at Wickham’s mouth. “That. That interests me.”